So as many of you probably know, in the past week Lucasfilm has released the information that their next stand alone spin-off movie would center around moderately popular character Obi-Wan Kenobi, presumably during the 19 year span he spent on Tatooine.
In addition to the news that we’ll be following yet another character we’ve already spent six films on, word hit the internet that yes, a Jabba the Hutt film has also been discussed. Because what says success like focusing on a mouth breathing slug for two hours and fifteen minutes?
It’s time for us Star Wars fans that wanted to see new characters explored, as they were in this past December’s Rogue One, to face facts: Our beloved characters of old are getting their back stories shoved down our throats whether we like it or not. So here at Common Man Movies, we’ve compiled a list of five other characters that should get their own spin off movies, because who gives a fuck, we’re all gonna pay to see ’em anyways.
1. Gonk Droid
Don’t tell me I was the only one that saw this steel toed trash can in the beginning of a New Hope and thought to myself, “Hm, where did THAT thing come from?” Though the Gonk Droid doesn’t spend a lot of time on screen, he immediately made audiences question how an original Nintendo Game Boy grew legs and ended up in the back of a Jawa sand crawler. Personally, I think a Kubrick-esque exploration into the psyche of the Gonk droid is the least that Star Wars fans deserve for this fabled star of the seventies. Needless to say, a movie about the GNK Power Droid….has legs.
This one eyed wonder also made his presence felt in 1977’s Star Wars when he burst out of the smelly garbage compactor that our heroes were trapped inside and gave us our first glimpse of a wet, sultry Luke Skywalker.
Who of us wouldn’t wish to explore the depths of the Dianoga species? How do the Dianoga communicate? How do they mate? How do they expand their species? How did this one particular Dianoga find his way into a garbage can inside of everybody’s favorite no-moon? Perhaps a six part mini series in the fashion of Planet Earth is the only way Star Wars fans will be able to have all of their Dianoga questions answered to their satisfaction.
“A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away” Duh. Dianoga are extinct, show some god damn respect.
3. Sy Snootles
The Star Wars fandom is split about the George Lucas special editions, but one addition that was made that is universally agreed to be fantastic is Sy Snootles, lead singer of the Max Rebo Band. Epic character sequences involving Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, and Boba Fett that take place at Jabba’s Palace are always scenes that embarrass me when I watch Return of the Jedi with my friends, but I power through those scenes simply so that I can get to this botox lipped frog cartoon singing the greatest song on the outer rim. A bipoic feature in the vein of Straight Outta Compton would only be appropriate for one Sy Snootles.
4. Aunt Beru
The sky is blue. Water is wet. Attack of the Clones is the best Star Wars movie. And Aunt Beru is a stone cold fox. These universal truths have incited fans of the franchise to flock to message boards and social media to utter one phrase: We want more Beru Whitesun Lars. The understanding Aunt archetype to Owen’s hard ass douchebag archetype, Beru was always there with a blue milk and a smile. Until she was burned alive. What was a beautiful temptress like Beru doing with an ugly shmuck like Lars? Why did she seemingly age 40 years in the span of 19? Was defending her whiny bitch of a nephew too much of a burden?
5. Death Sticks Guy, AKA Elan Sleazebaggano
Wow, I just found out that that’s his actual name. Jesus Christ. Attack of the Clones is awful. Unbelievable.
Me too, Dive Missile. Me too.