It’s Been a Long Week is a weekly column (written by a moron) bringing you “hard hitting analysis” on the top stories in film.

1. Louis C.K does a bad.

It has not been a good week for Louis C.K whatsoever. Accused of sexual misconduct by five women, Louis would have the premier of his movie (which of course revolves around a 17 year old girl in a super illegal relationship) pulled from release, and eventually deliver a seemingly sincere admission/apology. Turns out Louie has a history of whipping it out and masturbating in front of unsuspecting women. I guess this isn’t the most surprising news to break in world history, but when Louie would make excessive masturbation and sex jokes at his own expense, I think most us thought they were, ya know, jokes. But alas, it turns out with every joke there is actually a bit of truth, and truth be told, Louie is a weirdo.

Louie’s statement implies that he plans to go back into his troll hole for a while and think about what he did, so I’ve crafted a list in memoriam of Louie’s career.

The Louis C.K Memorial Top 5 Masturbators in Movie History

5. Danny Mcbride and James Franco, This is the End:

Oh how I uproarously laughed and Danny and James made beat off gestures in each others general direction. Though the film doesn’t further delve into whether or not Danny fulfills his promise to “cum all over everything”, his masturbatory monologue certainly earns him and James an early spot on this prestigious list.

4. Brad Hamilton, Fast Times at Ridgemont High:

We would be remiss not to include the first masturbation scene in film history (nobody fact check this). Admittedly, Brad’s character has some pretty tame thoughts (just seeing boobs, big fuckin deal) compared to the anime orgy porn that I think of when I masturbate, but this was 1982 and pornhub was just a twinkle in Brad’s eye. Brad is a good masturbator, despite not being up to date with today’s standards.

3. Melvin B Tolson, The Great Debaters

Denzel Washington plays Melvin B. Tolson, who is the coach of a debate team at Wiley College and a master debater. Melvin finds some students, and teaches them how to masterfully debate too. Then, they all master debate together.

2. Betty, Mulholland Drive

Girls masturbate too.

1. Jim Levenstein, American Pie:

As an eight year old boy at the time, watching Jason Biggs fuck a pie while my Dad immediately stood up to take the VHS out of the VCR is a monumental moment in both my young life, and the history of cinema. 

2. Rian Johnson Gets More Star Wars

Speaking of masturbation, that’s exactly what I did when the news dropped that Rian Johnson would be creating a new Star Wars trilogy featuring ORIGINAL CHARACTERS from places we haven’t been. I’m not being the least bit facetious when I say this was easily the best thing I heard all week. After thinking about this news alone in my bed for seventeen hours straight, I came up with a definitive list of big name actors that could lead this trilogy.

Macauley Caulkin

Hey, how’s he doing these days? He was such a cute actor as a kid, I dunno, I feel like he’s just bring in some nice nostalgia for Star Wars. I bet he’s stayed in shape, here just let me do a quick google sear——OH MY GOD. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Burn him with fire.

2. Arnold Schwarzeneggar

Truly, who encapsulates the spirit of Star Wars more than the governator? Perhaps this new trilogy follows the plight of a foreign man in a galaxy filled with only Americans and Brits?

3. Betty White

As charming as she is spry, Betty has been wet dream casting for Star Wars fanboys all around the galaxy. No doubt she would make a great heroine, but imagine her testing that acting range as Dark Lord of the Sith?

4. The Baby From American Sniper

I know, some people say the baby’s performance was “Synthetic” or “plastic” or “obviously fake”, but I think with a director like Rian Johnson, Baby From American Sniper can really come out of his shell and be a leading man.

5. Beans

I’m not really sure what his actual name is, but Beans from Even Stevens. Remember how he would always say funny things and how his name was Beans?

6. Jake Lloyd

Not known for much other than an unknown festival darling in 1999, Jake Lloyd has the chops to grab a Star Wars film by the horns and make the movie something special. Some of these choices may seem like pipe dreams, but in our opinion, Jake would be the biggest get of all for Disney.

7. Philip Seymour-Hoffman (1967-2014)

Known mainly for his role as Ben Stiller’s best friend in Along Came Polly, I think PSH would make a great force ghost, and what a bold decision that would be!

8. Adam Sandler

Known for coming in and out of a variety of roles with the subtlety and grace the likes of which the world hasn’t experienced before, Adam Sandler is what we in show biz like to call a chameleon. Name a Star Wars archetype, Sandler is your guy. This spot was between him and Daniel Day Lewis, but I just couldn’t pass Sandler up.

9. John Cena

What’s even better than a farm boy from Tatooine overcoming the odds and destroying all the evil in the galaxy? Seeing that done by 16 time World Heavyweight Champion John Cena.

10. Louis C.K

3. Thor: Ragnarock Wins Box Office in Tight Race with Bad Moms Christmas

In what can be described as a surprise to some, Thor: Ragnarock just inches out a lead in this weeks box office results, scratching and clawing it’s way to 123 Million on it’s opening weekend. Coming in literally cents behind the marvel machine is a Bad Moms Christmas, which earned a stellar 17.1 million, powered by an incredible performance from Mila Kunis. Here’s an official list of the Top 5 earning movies this week.

  1. Thor: Ragnarock

What it Earned: 123 Million Dollars

What it Should Have Earned: A nice, heated seat in the luxury sedan that is the fiery pits of hell, because NO film implies that God exists unless they’re referring to the lord and savior Jesus Christ.

2. Bad Moms Christmas

What it Earned: 17.1 Million Dollars

What It Should Have Earned: 6 Billion Dollars. Best movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life, hands down. Mila Kunis is a bad mom and she drinks and neglects her stupid fucking kids and oh my god I can relate.

3. Jigsaw

What it Earned: 6.8 Million

What it Should Have Earned: A better title. Seriously, I cannot think of anything more boring than a jigsaw puzzle, and even putting the thought of one into my head while I saw this movie mad me lean on the stranger next to me’s shoulder and take a nap.

4. Tyler Perry’s Boo 2: A Madea Halloween

What it Earned: 4.8 Million

What It Should Have Earned: I don’t even fucking know. What is this? I am living way too deep in my white, suburban echo chamber to gather what the fuck A Madea Halloween is supposed to even mean. More white leads please.

5. Geostorm

What it Earned: 3.2 Million

What It Should Have Earned: The attention of all man kind. This isn’t a film, it’s a documentary. The Geostorm is coming y’all, best find shelter.

FIN.