1. Luke Skywalker isn’t 19 anymore

Did anyone else notice while they were watching the Last Jedi that Luke is all old now? Completely out of character for him. Luke in the REAL Star Wars was like, a 20 year old, but in the, what I like to call, FAKE DISNEY Star Wars, Luke is like a crusty old man. Can you say PLOT HOLE?

2. It is not a Boba Fett origin story

The second biggest reason The Last Jedi can suck my balls is that it isn’t a Boba Fett origin story. In fact, Boba Fett isn’t in The Last Jedi, AT. ALL. Not sure what Disney is thinking, especially because they put lamer, chick Boba Fett in it, and she doesn’t even do anything except die!

3. Rose isn’t even hot.

So they introduced a new (Asian) character, which is fine, but the thing is: she isn’t even hot. Like, I’ve seen The Last Jedi 7 times, and in a couple scenes I can see how she would be hot in like, a hentai porn kind of way, but for the most part, she really isn’t that hot. In MY Star Wars, princess Leia was SO hot, and even Mon Mothma was kinda Mom-hot.

4. Rey’s Dad was not Snoke

So Rey (who is hot) was on a journey to discover who her parents were in this “film”, and when she found out, it wasn’t Snoke. I thought it was obvious in The Force Awakens when  Maz told Rey that her parents were a part of her past, that it meant her Dad was an old wrinkle fuck from The Old Republic, but nope, turns out they were just alcoholics. Sorry Disney, I don’t want Rey’s parents to be like MY parents, I want them to be like Snoke. Which leads me to my FIFTH problem.

5. Snoke was not Darth Plageuis

I’m not sure if they just left it out and it will be on the blu-rey (pun completely intended ;)) but in the theatrical version (that i saw 19 times, so I know) There was definitely no mention of Supreme Leader Snoke being Darth Plageuis. This is just another plot hole in a movie filled with them.

6. This was not an Obi-Wan origin story

Ever since The Phantom Menace was released in 1992, fans have been clamoring for Conor McGregor to reprise his role as Obi-Wan Kenobi, but in an ORIGIN STORY. This is completely disrespectful to the fan base that Obi-Wan is not in this movie as a young padawan learner. Stupid.

7. Finn is still black

I’m not racist, but come on. When John Boyega was cast as Finn for Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2012), fans. went. nuts. A BLACK stormtrooper? They’re actually all supposed to look like Boba Fett (who is not in this film). Did Disney listen to this public outcry? Nope. They just went along and kept the casting the same.

8. Admiral Ackbar

Okay, so, I can’t be alone in that Admiral Ackbar is my FAVORITE character from the Original Trilogy (1963). One of the most in depth characters of all time is COMPLETELY DISRESPECTED, AND KILLED OFF SCREEN! Let me ask you, how much cooler would it be if HE had crashed the Mon Cal Cruiser into the Star Destroyer (not how hyperspace works in real life, btw) and said, “It’s a TRAP!” But instead, classic Disney, they let a WOMAN do it. Ugh

9. I have a small penis

The Ninth reason that TLJ can suck my balls is because I have a small dick and I’m mad about it, so I take it out on Star Wars. FUCK YOU STAR WARS.

10. Disney Paid the Critics

Duh. As if it wasn’t obvious when Rotten Tomatoes chose to give Moana a 100%, Disney is paying the critics. These mouth breathing movie reviewers simply have no morals to pretend to actually LIKE Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

So in conclusion, Star Wars: The Last Jedi is #notmystarwars, and it can suck my balls.